The Devastating Grief Of Estrangement

Understanding mothers of estranged children

If you’re a mother grieving for an estranged adult child who has cut you out of their lives, you’re not alone. There’s a silent epidemic of loss, breaking the ties of love, shared memories, respect and kindness that normally bind families together.

Maybe you’re a mum who did the very best you could to bring up your children in the real world where life can be a struggle requiring compromises and times of difficulty, illness and emotional overwhelm. You may have raised your children the best way you know how, doing all you could to insulate them from the impact of a divorce, domestic violence, financial strain, illness or bereavement.

Maybe you’re struggling now to cope with menopause or transition to an empty nest or retirement. Just when you most hoped for connection and extended family, you’ve lost touch with the people most dear to you. For many, the pain is compounded by the loss of contact with beloved grandchildren: a second layer of grief as you miss milestones, laughter, and the everyday moments that should have bound the generations together.

Sometimes estrangement happens for good reason — when there has been real abuse, neglect, or lasting harm. No-one should have to stay in contact with someone who makes them feel unsafe. But there’s a world of difference between that and the ordinary hurts, misunderstandings, disappointments, and differences of opinion that are part of being human and of family life.

However, the chances are that if you’re reading this, you were a “good enough” parent, one who loved deeply and well, who sometimes got it wrong as we all do, but more often made the very best of the hand you were given. Perhaps you thought your love for your child would protect you both from harm. Sometimes it’s not so.

The generational bonds we grew up to cherish and respect have been under siege from the TikTok, swipe left, consumerist culture that our adult children now live in. Social media, and self-styled influencers have normalised the breaking of family ties. Your children truly live in a wholly different world where the culture celebrates a selfish form of individualisation. They take, but do not give, or forgive.

If you fall short in the eyes of your estranged child by not being at all times perfect or willing or able to provide, then you too can be discarded. You may find yourself desperately apologising without even knowing what you did wrong, only to find all attempts at reconciliation are rebuffed.

Tragically, for some adult children, parents have become disposable objects. No longer useful? Different perspectives? Cancelled. Cut off.

And it hurts beyond any words to explain the shock, devastation and grief. All made worse, because your loss is without end: the child you long for still lives and your memories feel tainted, the future you dreamed of is lost. You’re left with endless questions and no resolution. You mourn for the future you thought you’d have. Your thoughts cycle endlessly, seeking a way out, but you can’t logic your way out of unreason.

And here’s the rub, unconditional love doesn’t mean we have to unconditionally accept treatment from our adult children which if it came from any other person we’d recognise it as abuse.

I get it.

I have lived experience of the tsunami of grief, somehow surviving and gradually rebuilding a different life after estrangement. As a discarded mum myself, I have a touchstone which helps me to compassionately hold space for your story. Personal therapy with a skilled counsellor was a vital part of my personal healing journey. The rawness of my loss has now passed, I can meet you wherever you are on your journey with estrangement.

As a fully qualified psychotherapist I can meet you with fresh eyes and without judgement or the well-intended reassurances you may have endured from friends and relatives who simply can’t, and don’t want, to imagine themselves in your shoes.

Do get in touch if you think it could help to speak to a therapist who understands estrangement from the inside while honouring the uniqueness of your journey. I can hear your story with compassion and humanity, yet also have the professional skills and training to help you find a way through.

I offer free 20-minute introductory calls so you can ask me anything you need to know, and get a sense of whether I could help you restore a life worth living.